Rites of Passage: Preparing for College and the Empty Nest Part 1

Dr. R. Fred Zuker is a featured monthly columnist in the Education section of The Jackson Sun

Rites of Passage: Preparing for College and the Empty Nest Part I

My wife Melody and I recently facilitated a program at one of our Jackson area high schools for the seniors and their parents. The program was entitled “Letting Go.” The event was designed to help the seniors and their parents prepare for the transition from high school to college. Melody and I have done a number of these programs over the years. We are always struck with the significance to the family of the graduation of the senior from high school and the impending departure of the new graduate from home to college.

In the letting go program we separated the students and parents and asked them to answer several questions on a 3x5 card. The questions related to the effect of the student’s departure on the family and what the student and parents were anticipating, both good and otherwise with the advent of this new phase of life. Most of the students in attendance were college-bound so the questions largely related to that particular next step. After the two groups answered the questions we brought them back together and discussed the responses. The ensuing interaction revealed some of the conflicts and issues associated with this childhood to adulthood transition and resulting family changes. The emotionality of this process is never as fully captured as it is when articulated by the students and parents in their own words.

We asked the seniors the following questions:

• What do you fear most about the prospect of going to college?
• What excites you most about the prospect of going to college?
• If I could let my parents know one thing, it would be:

In response to question one the seniors in this group expressed similar fears such as, making their grades and being alone. Here is a selection of their responses: I’ll have to start from square one again. I fear their not sending money. Losing the few friends that I have. Keeping my grades up. Not knowing where I’m going. Not knowing what to do in a strange environment. Classes, grades and meeting new people. Leaving my hometown and not knowing for sure if I will be successful. Not being ready and missing opportunities. Busy, Busy, Busy, Getting sick, struggling to make new friends. Loss of identity, Freshman English composition, I won’t get up with my alarm. That Mom won’t be okay. That I’ve chosen the wrong college.

For question two the seniors stated that what excited them the most were such things as, freedom and being on their own. Here are samples of the responses: My roommate might actually respect my space. Yay for bunk beds, Being away from high school and childish things. Video games every night, Learning to be on my own and being in a new place My independence. Starting a new phase of my life. A big city with new people to meet and bigger opportunities, Having freedom and being able to live and be myself, Starting my real life and finding what God wants me to do. Friends 24/7 and independence, Freedom and a new schedule and making my own decision for the rest of my life.

The fearful themes of loneliness, starting over, failure with grades and meeting new people are remarkably similar to some of the things that seniors are looking forward to with excitement. The very independence that they crave presents one of the most daunting aspects of leaving home for college – uncertainty about their ability to cope with the new freedom of college. College-bound students are anxious to break the restrictive ties that bind them to home and also anxious about making their way in the new environment of the college campus. Parents who recognize this ambivalence will be much better able to appreciate the dilemma and insecurities of the soon to be college student and help them through the transition.

The one thing the students would let their parents know often-centered on gratitude: I appreciate all their sacrifices and hard work. That I love them, That I love them even when I didn’t show it. I am responsible for your gray hair and don’t ever forget that. I love you and appreciate all you do. Because of your love I will be able to survive in college. Have fun making my room into an office. I’ll be okay. You did a great job. I’ll make the next four years worth all the stress we went through with the applications. I promise. Our favorite response was this one: Thank you for being friends to me. You’ve always respected me and for that, I respect you.

Next week the second part of this series will report on the response to the questions posed to the parents of college-bound students.

Rites of Passage: Preparing for College and the Empty Nest Part II

R. Fred Zuker, Ph.D.
President
Lambuth University